I'm almost too distracted to write this. Needless to say, I've come to no conclusions regarding the gender questions I raised in the last post. Instead of pondering gender roles, I have been watching pseudo-historical depictions of the way things used to be, which I can rationalize is somewhat like research on this topic. I've been watching Roger Sterling do LSD on "Mad Men." It was pretty entertaining, and probably the funniest episode of that show that has ever been. However, he was brutally honest with his wife, and she with him. She said, "you don't like me." He said, "I did... I really did."
Ouch.
It reminded me of the ends of my past relationships. And the contrast of those to the one I'm in now. I can't speak for him, because I just don't do that, but I can honestly say - I like him. I love him, of course, but I don't mean that. I mean, I genuinely like this man. I enjoy his company.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not being smug. I'm not saying I never liked anyone else. And I'm not amazed that I like him. People like each other sometimes. That's not abnormal! Also, I'm making no predictions based on this normalcy. I've got no crystal ball. I don't claim to have all the answers, or even any of them. However, I have learned two things: 1. My personal truth is what matters in my own life. 2. My personal truth dictates that liking each other is important. Relationships take effort, sometimes a lot of effort. If you like one another, though, the effort not only seems worth it, it also doesn't seem like so much "effort."
It takes so much bravery for me to even admit that I am happy. And no, I don't mean happy at the moment, like in a good mood. In fact, as I write this, I have a migraine hatchet stuck in the left hemisphere of my brain, and I'm sleepy but can't sleep due to some anxiety about the coming week. So this isn't a good mood that I'm talking about here. It's something more substantial, and maybe it only matters to me. That's ok.
I know, though, that I have found peace. Perhaps temporarily, but what on this earth is permanent anyway? And yes, in spite of the exhaustion and stress I feel in this moment, I know that I am happy.
The truth is that I am happy because I am finally comfortable in my own skin. At times, I struggle. I mean REALLY struggle. And although I've learned all the psychological stuff and really learned to be okay with myself, sometimes I have some dark days. At other times, I get irritated with all the SELF SELF SELF stuff. The psychological rhetoric that gets thrown around in today's ordinary conversation is mind-numbing. Everybody is an expert! It seems that you can be either a martyr or a narcissist or... in the most unfortunate of cases... both? What? There has to be a middle ground. Surely some people are comfortable with the amount of SELF in their own lives! On days where the irritation with all this post-Dr. Phil inspired SELF-care is the case, I usually encounter someone who tells me how I don't need someone else to make me happy.
One day, a day where I was annoyed with all the people telling me to take care of MYSELF, I had a little breakdown of sorts. I was being told that I don't NEED anyone else but myself and all of that stuff. In pure frustration, I said, "you know who says that? Someone who nobody loves!" That, of course, is false, and when I had that thought, I was having a moment of pure selfishness. However, maybe it's also true that people who are saying all that are saying it as much to themselves as they are saying it to me.
So what's the key to happiness that lasts? All the magazine covers scream it at us: balance. Working on that one. So now it's coming back to the gender issue, because my brain immediately fires a question at me: Do men ever worry about "balance"? Stay tuned.
