So much for weekly blogging... but I'm not too worried about it.

My son wasn't thrilled that I wanted to document my entire experience with his Bipolar I diagnosis. That was one of the many clues that he was really doing better. And it's been quite a while now, and no more episodes. 

I'm thankful. I'm relieved. I still can't relax, though. I have anxiety. So I may as well discuss my own issue rather than my son's.

Here's a sample of how my mind can work even when, in spite of life never being perfect, things are settled at least for the evening:

Relax. Just relax. But I was going to dust, and do that load of laundry, and write a blog post, and work on those photo albums. But I don't know which one to start on. Oh, man, and I also need to clean out my purse, pay some bills, feed the cats, let the dogs out, get some groceries. Ok, so I'll make a list. 

After sitting down and writing a "short" list that ends up having 23 items, here's where my brain goes next:

I'm just going to sit down for five minutes and look at Pinterest. I need to relax. According to all the quotes on Pinterest, I deserve to relax. But I should probably check my bank account. And open the mail. And learn some new software languages. And be reading the classics.

Relax. I said relax, dammit. 

My mind wanders from legitimate issues (did my daughter do her homework? has my mom gotten any news about that medical problem? HOW many people are incarcerated for non-violent crimes in this state?) to trivia such as clearing out the DVR and my email. Prioritizing these is a problem for me, and I have trouble sorting out which problems are actually problems, which ones need to be solved right away (or at all) and which ones I can personally handle. It's not that I don't really know what's important. It's that when things start adding up, the little things seem a little bigger, the bad things a little more ominous, and the combinations of events and to-do bullet points starts to feel heavy. 

When I realize I've done as much as I can do for the day, I say to myself, relax.

But lots of times, it's just near to impossible. 

I don't think relaxation is really what our culture fosters, at least not for regular people, and definitely not for those of us prone to worrying. I know I'm not the only one. Where are you, my fellow Antsy Nancys?  People say that you should "take it easy" or "one day at a time." (I think I've already asked if there is some other "two days at a time program" that I'm missing.) 

I do appreciate the sentiment and understand the good intention. It just isn't as simple as that, even though I wish it was.

"Don't worry," they say, and "worrying is a waste of time," and my personal favorite, "worrying is like wishing for what you don't want."

Guess what, it's totally not that at all. 

It's not wishing for bad things. It's dread. Yes, it can become a habit to worry, and some people do seem to want to worry, or to be happy to be worrying. But really, it's a case-by-case issue, and many times, handling stress, even everyday kinds of stresses, takes more effort than "putting it out of your mind" or "handing it over to God." I would love to be able to put things out of my mind. Sometimes I can, but other times, whatever I put out keeps coming back like a hungry stray cat. I'm basically nagging myself.

To those that try to help, I know you're walking a fine line. You want to be encouraging without indicating to an anxious person that he or she isn't already doing everything within his or her power to get a grip on it. Obviously, just saying "try not to worry" sounds dumb. (Also dumb: the instructions to never reply when you're angry, make a decision when you're upset, or make a promise when you're happy.  Wedding vows should be said when you're unhappy? Think people. Think. Can we be a little more realistic and logical with some of these sayings, pinners? What happened to not using absolutes? But I digress.)

See, these are things I think about! I could have spent that paragraph doing some cleansing deep breathing. 

If I do figure out a way to divert my own attention by something as allegedly mind-numbing as TV, I am bombarded with commercials telling me what to do, want, buy, and want to be able to buy so that I can be thinner, look younger, and "have it all." (I'm going for a record with quotation marks here in the post. It's a blog, folks. Not the New York Times. I'm leaving the damn quotation marks.) If I look at the internet, I can end up looking at a top ten list of things I never cared about before. A respectable publication such as Psychology Today, can cause me to analyze my relationship. Reading about procrastination somehow leads me to even more reading about procrastination.

And then of course, there's bolting upright at 2 a.m. remembering the one thing I really did need to do. In my defense, the world really can be a scary place. 

Recently, a terrible man was attacking women in parking lots here. (They caught him, so if the previous sentence worried you, you really can put that one out of your mind.) Days after law enforcement had taken him into custody, I heard a commercial for my local news. It went something like, if not exactly this, "Coming up: Mistakes women are making in parking lots."

HOLD UP. What is that?! What mistakes are MEN making in parking lots? Is this about my not remembering where I parked? Pretty sure that guys do that too. Ohhhh! They mean stuff that's going to get us lady folk attacked! Are they telling me that if I 'm a woman, I better watch it or I'm making a mistake that is going to cost me my safety? First of all, they're distorting the issue. The story is "the mistake this man made in several parking lots." Secondly, the sick fact here is that it's true: if I make a mistake in a parking lot, there's a good chance it could put me in danger.

Knowing that doesn't help with anxiety. Knowing that I have anxiety doesn't help with anxiety. For some reason, though, writing all of this at a frantic pace did help with anxiety. Tonight's anxiety, anyway.

So for all the people I know who don't have anxiety, who aren't worried about anything, I commend you. And to those of you who actually have nothing to worry about, I am amazed and happy for you. Both of you.